Parenting style refers to how a parent behaves around their children. A parenting style isn't determined by individual events, like a moment of conflict. Instead, it is defined by a parent’s pattern and the demeanor in which they engage their children.
Decades of research on childhood development, attachment theory and family dynamics has resulted in four distinct types of parenting styles. This way of looking at parenting focuses on 2 aspects of parenting: 1) the degree to which a parent emphasizes empathy, support, and parent child relationships (warmth), and 2) the degree to which a parent emphasizes discipline, obedience, and parental authority (firmness). This results in the following four parenting approaches.
1. high firmness, low warmth – Authoritarian 2. low firmness, low warmth – Rejecting/Neglecting 3. low firmness, high warmth – Permissive 4. high firmness, high warmth - Authoritative
As with any categorization system, no one fits neatly into one category all the time. However, most parents will relate to one of these categories.
Authoritarian Parenting Style
The authoritarian parenting style is sometimes referred to as the military parenting style. A parent puts an emphasis on obedience, and usually has very strict family rules. An authoritarian parent is usually more concerned about the child doing what they say, and focuses less on the opinion or desires of the child. Some strictly authoritarian parents see children as lesser people than adults. Children should be seen and not heard.
How does this type of parenting impact children?
Children from authoritarian families can be very achievement oriented. They may be very successful students and very well behaved. However this is often at the expense of their sense of self, independence and creativity. It tends to encourage children to either rebel, especially in the teenage years, or to be overly submissive. As adults, they may find themselves in relationships with others who are controlling or they become the one who tries to control others.
Rejecting/Neglecting Style
Just as it sounds, rejecting/neglecting parents tend to provide little guidance, support, or structure. Some of these parents may be unable to engage their children for any number of reasons. Some of these parents are simply more focused on their own wants than the needs of their children.
How does this type of parenting impact children?
As could be expected, children from these types of parents are often at risk for significant discipline problems. They lack external structure and thus often lack internal sense of discipline. Similarly they lack external expressions of love and warmth and thus seek it from whatever sources they can. A certain subset of these kids takes on significant levels of responsibility long before they are developmentally ready, thus filling the parenting role for younger siblings. These kids “miss out on childhood” and are likely to continue to have difficulty establishing healthy relationships into adulthood.
Permissive Parenting Style
The permissive parenting style is noted for the parents’ tendency to want to protect their children from negative experiences. They provide a very warm supportive environment, but with limited structure and discipline. They may set limits, but not follow through with consequences. They may say “no” but ultimately give in when the child persists. They may ask their children what the family should do rather than making decisions as parents.
How does this type of parenting impact children?
“Spoiled,” “A little negotiator,” “She’s going to grow up to be lawyer,” “He constantly needs me to entertain him.” These are some of the ways permissive parents end up describing their children. Children from permissive parenting homes tend to be self centered and attention seeking. They may be bossy, controlling, demanding. Just as problematic, they are likely to be poorly prepared for disappointments life inevitably hands everyone. Thus as they grow older they are at higher risk for depression, chemical abuse, and lack of independence. On the upside, having grown up in a generous household, they may be very generous adults. However, they may expect others to be just as generous and become frustrated when this is not the case.
Authoritative Parenting Style
The authoritative parenting style is considered to be the healthiest and most balanced approach to parenting. Authoritative parents set limits while considering the child’s point of view. They enforce consequences with respect and without being overly harsh. They listen to their children, empathize, and help them come up with their own solutions to problems. Authoritative parents create balance between authoritarian and permissive parenting styles. For example, there are times when a parent needs to have their child obey them, regardless how they feel about it, and there are also times when a parent needs to allow their child to make mistakes and take chances without their interference.
How does this type of parenting impact children?
Children from authoritative households are most likely to grow into emotionally healthy adults. They tend to be warm and empathic, but also have a sense of confidence and independence. They are not afraid to pursue their personal goals nor to set appropriate boundaries with others.
What if we have different parenting styles?
Frequently two parents will have two different parenting styles. Most common seems to be when one parent is permissive and the other is authoritarian, almost as if they are trying to balance each other out. “She’s so easy on the kids, one of us has to show them what the real world is like!” “He’s so tough on them all the time, I just want them to know they are loved so I let them get away with a little more sometimes.” Unfortunately, using two different styles provides an unbalanced family experience. One parent often feels like the “bad guy”. The other often feels the need to protect. Ideally, parents could find a way to capitalize on both strategies and provide both a warm and firm parenting approach for the children.
When thinking through parenting styles, it sometimes helps to think about your own parents. What category did they fall into, and how did that impact you as a child, as an adult, and as a parent? Which of their parenting traits do you want to pass on to your kids? Which do you want to change?
Parenting is unique for everyone. There is definitely no “one size fits all” approach that works for all parents. Hopefully the above summary helps stimulate your thinking about your own parenting, so you can pursue your parenting in a purposeful way that best fits your family needs.
